"You might as well have fun, 'cause your happiness is done and your goose is cooked."
It's times like this... that I'm thankful for true friends. I understand that they cannot all be there when you call, and they may not have the answers... but true friends will look after you and try to get you headed in the right direction. Even if it's only one person today, I'm happy to know I matter to somebody.
I'm sitting at work, thinking about how over "time" days that were supposed to be meaningful have grown to be more and more... well less. Easters, Christmases, New Years, Birthdays... they mattered less to others, and in turn mattered less to me. At this point, the thought of receiving a gift is farfetched... I'd be surprised if I could pay people to care about me on these days. Yet... it's common to say "happy" or "merry" when mentioning these days as if it is assumed that everyone shares that emotion because of what day it is.
For the first time in my 22 year old life, I can say I know what it feels like to be alone on the holidays... it sucks... it's depressing.
"First rule in this thang, never let 'em see you sweat!
Never let 'em be a threat and your feelings you must protect 'em
As well as your rectum! Must keep self out of harm out of danger's way
Let strangers play while you graduate and move on!
True happiness is not acquired and you won't find it for sale
Unless you're in jail and trying to get a bail
bondsman to go on and post that bail
You would be happy as hell! You thought you was happy
until that court date came
Couldn't abort that case, nobody to take your place
Family home is at stake, too late to escape and get on the run!!"
-Big Boi, Verse One of "Unhappy" from Speakerboxxx
Happiness is temporary... it is an emotion, much like anger, that only lasts for the duration of the time the emotion itself is pondered. For as long as you have a reason to be happy, you will be happy. On the contrary, when you do not have a reason to be happy, where does your mind go? For me, I don't know why, but I've always wandered towards depression when I cannot say with conviction that "I am happy." Essentially happiness isn't the absence of depression, it's just the presence of something that elates me. Conversely, for me, depression IS the absence of happiness...
So if I need others to make me happy, and others aren't around... I'm not happy, and thus I am depressed. Now many of you may be reading this saying.... "really... Tony, depressed?"... or you may be thinking "that's strange/not cool... why would he share that?" This is me being honest with myself, and by letting the world read my thoughts, I now have to be accountable for them.... it continues...
"Once upon a rhyme, one time when I was a child (Flip that smile upside down now!)
When I found out that Santa Claus was nothing more than Vanilli
It was silly, 'cause my mom and pop they worked for every penny!
Didn't have many, but had enough to get by! Enough to get fly!
Only to start the New Year off in debt now you forget
Your happiness came and went
Like mom and dad's relationship, take a trip
You got the potato chips? I'll bring the hot sauce!!"
-Verse Two
Santa is a funny guy. We learn to trust that he will bring us a bounty of happiness every holiday season, only to find out that it's a hoax. I'm not sure what kind of moral this mode of story telling is supposed to convey... but if it taught me anything, it was that any convoy for "happiness" is as temporary as the emotion itself... you can't expect happiness to always be there for you.
I guess I've taken the feeling of happiness for granted... as well as the things that made me happy. Today I realized that those things truly weren't there. It was a shock to me... like realizing your roomate ate all of your favorite cereal, and left the box there for you to think you still had it... but when you open the box... *sad face*(TJ used to eat my Quaker Oh's all the time... moocher).
The absence of happiness set in today... I realized that I've been pretending I have reasons to smile, when in fact I don't... It hurt ya'll. This not to say that I have bad friends... my friends just have lives... when the closest people to you are all graduated, and you're still in school, it's never a happy feeling. We all came to this school to eventually leave... but because I'm still here, I feel that they left me. It's strange how I can have nearly 3000 facebook friends, and feel alone as often as I do... That's the only reason why I'm sharing this... if I of all people can be lonely, then I'm not the only one... hopefully the conclusion of this blog is enlightening for somebody else.
"1979 Dirty South, Local Lounge (Flip that smile upside down now!)
I never thought that alcohol could ease the notion of the sadness
Now what used to be a happy home done turned into some bad shit!
Graphic language, mild violence and the silence of the the fams!
No members to remember, but I know just who I am
I've grown into a man and like my nigga said we executed the game plan
'Cause we got that Hot Sauce!!!!"
-Verse Three
Alcohol, drugs, sex, bad attitudes, food... what haven't people tried to do in order to make them forget about their "unhappiness"? The saddest thing is that if you're like me, your unhappiness is a result of what's NOT there, so unless these vices make you believe that something IS there, then you'll still be unhappy.
Big Boi says at the end of the day he has his "hot sauce"... in this case my hot sauce would be myself. The one thing that will always be there for as long as I have "time" on this earth, is ME. My resolution for 2009 is to be happier with who I am. I feel that often times I neglect who I am, because i would rather others define who I am... It used to make me proud to say that I mattered to "X" number of people or that "such and such" thought highly of me... but when "X" and "such and such" were no longer there to validate who I was, it was up to me to prove it to myself. I'm coming off of a semester that is simultaneously the largest turning point of my life, and a heavy dose of the truth of my fallibility. I was too inadequate to validate myself... if there is anybody who knows me and should be able to say something positive about who I am, it should've been me... but most people don't believe me when I tell them I actually do have self-esteem issues.
I guess what I've learned in one day is that I actually do need to consider myself and my thoughts more. As confident as I am in my own thought, I know that I'm biased and thus I can't justify my own worth to the world, the world has to do that for me... But today, I think I realize that being one in 6 Billion means that you're not going to be everything to the world, but you can still be all that you can be. I just need to tell myself what that is, as opposed to letting the world define what I am... I think I'm a bit more free today just because I see that. I've found a new perspective that for the moment can't be taken from me... My worth IS there, because I see it and I say so... and for that... I am happy.
Happy New Years and God Bless...
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1 comment:
Been there and will probably return at some point in my life. C'est la vie.
Sophomore year was my hell. "Depression" (in quotations because the psychological definition has a time factor to it) is very prevalent and you are right. Several people go through exactly what you just described. This may sound crazy but it was that simple line that the old ladies use to say that helped me regain my perspective, "Know who you are and know whose you are." I am a child of the King and I have purpose because if I didn't I would be dead. In addition to that, my favorite song that my mom sings is Center of My Joy. Every time I hit one of those lows I have to remind myself that if I have a gotten to this point it is because I put my joy in something that was subject to change. Priorities, people, politics, positions, power, (I went on a "p" kick :P) etc all change even principles because the collective that agreed on them change. Jesus is unchanging. If I keep him at the center of my joy I may not have my best day in terms of happiness but I surely can bounce back and be ready to face a new day. Even still, I want to matter to someone. We are interdependent beings. Just not every breath we take has to be filled with the presence of others. Jesus is the only one who can truly feel forsaken with his dad and the world turning their backs on him.
Anywho...
You already know my thoughts on Santa. Santa is the spirit of Christmas that can come in many forms even if it doesn't resemble a fat guy in a red suit. My Santa is real. ;)
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