Egocentrism and Honesty

After talking with a few friends, I’ve decided to conclude my “consideration/honesty” series by discussing the assertions that we make concerning the two subjects.

In the framework of this discussion (based on the way I’ve defined the terms), it is easy to conclude that hypothetically everybody is “dishonest” at some point or another.If you’re a pessimist/realist like me, or you are a fan of the TV Show “House”, then you might even go as far as to say Everybody Lies.

Seeing that Liars lack full consideration for others, we see that they are selfish individuals.This assertion is only half-way true, for while liars are not fully considering others, they may be lying to protect someone or maybe their feelings.To analyze this further, it is important to define what it means to be selfish.

self⋅ish – adjective

1.devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

A selfish individual cares ONLY for themselves.The only reason a selfish liar has to consider others is to increase their own individual gain.An example would be the person who falsely declares love for another, making that person feel better, only to use it to their advantage later. Selfish lies are the most common type of lie and thus the most intolerable. Nobody likes to be taken advantage of, especially if it’s against their knowledge or will.

This is evidence to the fact that liars are selfish. However, as a caveat, I believe that there is a better term to describe the “less harmful” liars…

e⋅go⋅cen⋅tric – adjective

1.having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things: an egocentric philosophy that ignores social causes

Now let me clarify… being egocentric is NOT the same as being selfish, but the two are not mutually exclusive. To be egocentric means to start your logical deductions with an evaluation of how it affects yourself. This human characteristic is the reason why mankind believed the universe rotated around Earth, the reason why the Crusades and other religious wars happen, and the reason why America has blindly allowed our nation to continue fighting unjustified wars.Egocentrism is a result of self-preservation.We believe things will have an effect on us (or things important to us, i.e. religion, relationships, security), to the point that we may even lie to justify what we’ll do to preserve ourselves or those things. However, egocentrism is not the same as being selfish because it still allows for the consideration of others.

We do everything because we are egocentric.You wake up, brush your teeth, go to class/work, interact with others, eat, sleep, and think the way you do because of the way these actions affects you. Egocentrism is an evolutionary trait of Darwin’s “Survival of the Fittest”… we think about how our actions will best suit us and those that we have influence on. Because of this, we always have intentions before an action, and sometimes those intentions are hidden (via omission)… because if everybody knew why you do what you did, then they’d do it too and it would be less beneficial to you… this is where egocentrism and selfishness meet; there is obviously a thin line between the two.

What this means for Tony… I’ve been reflecting about whom I am and the events that have made me who I am today.It’s funny how your life is always defined by other people rather than what you’ve done for yourself… regardless of how egocentric you are.

I’ve grown to be the pessimistic yet enlightened, distrusting yet trustworthy, and proud yet humble individual I am because others have molded me.I have watched the world turn and I realize that “Life” is just a progression of ego’s trading benefits.In some cases they share the benefits, in other times, it is usurped.

I remember times when I was so deep in love that I would drive great distances, break my bank, and make decisions that seemed increasingly illogical.At the end of the day, I hoped it would’ve been worth it for me, until I realized that my considerations were not being reciprocated.I’ve had the truth hidden from me, disguised by nice words, and I’ve been told stories that wanted to resemble the truth, but they were lies.I’ve been told that “maybe it will work out later” when later on I find that she really meant “maybe it’ll work out next lifetime.” I’ve been told “It’s not you, it’s me” when she meant “It’s not you, it’s me… and him.” I’ve been lead into situations thinking I would have input only to find that I’m a spectator who’s paying double the price for admission. I was naïve to believe it all along, until I tried dishonesty for myself.

Wow… did my life change… Wow… did I gain control… Wow… how I don’t regret it…

The issue now is that in my reflection, I’m remembering those sour feelings of self-loathing and pity that I had.I remember the depressions I fell into because I was in a world where I might’ve been considered popular, but wasn’t considered by those who mattered and thus I was alone. I remember the pain of being a sensitive and emotional person, and the relief that never came until I embraced my egocentrism.

I guess looking back, I still don’t’ regret any of my choices, but I do realize that I could’ve been more than egocentric… I was selfish… I could’ve been the root of those negative feelings for somebody else… and I didn’t care.It only mattered if it helped me and only me… This didn’t work for me long, because I began to isolate myself and was once again alone.

If you see me now, compared to last year, or better yet 3 years ago, I’m much more reserved.I tend to stand by myself even in the presence of multitudes.I tend to think by myself in the presence of the mob. I tend to avoid interaction at the expense of my own happiness so that I don’t do to someone else what was done to me… be inconsiderate.

In the end I guess I’m not considering myself… which is even worse because that means I’ve been dishonest with myself about what it is that I want… geez, that’s why I haven’t been happy… The lie, the omission, the euphemism… I used them all on myself. Being honest with myself has been the most trying experience because the honesty you’ll give yourself is harsher than that you’d receive from your worst enemy. However, it has also been the most liberating experience because I’m finally able to obtain that which will make me happy.

Everybody is egocentric… this has never been the problem. It’s when we are selfish that we not only squander our resources and fortunes, but we prolly fuck them up for somebody else too… real talk. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will always look after me first… I have to… nobody else plans to. But I think I’m at a point where I can no longer tolerate selfishness. Just because you and I and others are concerned with our own well being, it doesn’t mean that others have to suffer.

Consider yourself and what makes you happy… Try not to step on others’ toes (too much)… You’ll be happier in the long run… honestly.

Honesty's Gray Area

Amidst the daunting revelations about honesty are the conclusions that not only is honesty not the best policy/option, but it's NOT the only option. Here are a few more…

lie (noun, verb, lied, ly⋅ing. )
a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.

If there is anything related to consideration (or lack thereof) more annoying than a lie, it's a bad lie. Lying is a simple way to get past telling the truth by diverting the attention of your audience towards something that will distract them from finding the truth. In other words, people lie to get others to stop inquiring. Lying is usually done reactively rather than proactively. Liars are rarely proactive, because they’d find other ways around honesty if they were.

Let's talk about a sensitive issue that people lie and tell the truth about everyday: Love... Everybody questions the validity/honesty of a statement regarding love, and rightly so. Love is probably the most lied on human action/emotion in the history of the world. People lie and say they are in love or they love somebody because they want barriers to be broken... they want access to the person (or something they have...) and they think Love is the only way to get to it. The best thing about this alternative is that it can yield very fast short-term results. The worst effect of lying occurs when the liar attempts to continue living by their falsehoods. I guess what bothers me most (as a person who is easy to trust others), is the fact that some are willing to violate others' trust and view it as not so much of a big deal. I'm guessing the reason why is because liars don't respect others or their trust. Liars are very selfish people... I'm not judging, just calling a spade a spade. Liars do not consider others, their choices are made to only benefit them, right?

Ray-J once said, "All I know is I'd be hurting you, if I told you the truth, that's why I lie..." I don't like the premise of this statement, but I do understand it. I know I've been pressured into either declaring love for somebody or losing them as a friend before. I lied because I didn't want to lose them or have them being upset... the only reason I attempted to justify the lie is because I hoped to grow to love that person. Too bad that didn't work out. How often do we feel it's necessary to lie just so that we don't hurt somebody? How often do they end up hurt anyway? I guess it's why I've always tried to shy away from falsehoods, and instead have employed the use of the...

omission (noun)
1. any process whereby sounds or words are left out of spoken words or phrases
2. neglecting to do something; leaving out or passing over something

Omission works… it’s less brutal than honesty and it’s more honest than lying. You can offer as much truth as you would like and leave out the parts that you are not ready to admit yet. Omission works more proactively than lying because you can divert your audience away from certain questions by providing portions of the truth. The problem with omission occurs when a direct question is asked.Lying is able to dodge the question where omissions cannot; so if someone asked you “Do you love me?” and the answer is truly “NO”, you must either lie or tell the truth right?... maybe… there are degrees of truth just as there are degrees of honesty.

eu⋅phe⋅mism–noun
1. the substitution of a mild, indirect, or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh, or blunt.

The euphemism is the most cunning use of language… it provides an acceptable degree of honesty while allowing you to omit certain facts and avoid lying. It is the most proactive form of subtle dishonesty because what you say is taken as the whole truth… it’s all in the delivery… people accept euphemisms because they’re pretty (this follows the decoration definition of honesty). In reference to love, euphemisms allow people to say things like “I care for you” or “you really matter to me” or “I have strong feelings for you, but I’m not sure what to call them yet”. These statements are not lies, but they sound nearly as nice as “I love you” when they’re really saying “I don’t…”

I guess after looking at these options, I understand another reason why people want honesty… because it’s hard to obtain, and furthermore it’s hard to accept.We look for the type of honesty that makes us smile, but in turn we usually find the kind that makes us frown. As people we detect this in others, and thus we lessen the degrees of honesty in order to change the effect.The Euphemism is a prime weapon of discord among those looking for “the truth”… because the deliver of a euphemism means that someone thinks you cannot handle the truth. The fact that people would like to hear things phrased nicely rather than bluntly is proof that it’s not the truth they seek… it’s the comfort of the truth.

So where does that leave us when the truth bares no comfort?Is there a nice way to tell somebody from Dallas that the Cowboys truly suck? Is there a nice way to tell somebody that a love one has just died? Is there a positive way to tell somebody who loves you that you can’t reciprocate?

The truth is often confused for the consideration that people seek, when in fact it’s a desirable delivery of the truth that people seek… Well if it’s just the delivery that matters, then does the content of the message matter as much? If I lie nicely, and offer truth abrasively, which would be considered more acceptable? I’d venture at this point to say that since we can never grasp the full concept of “the truth”, gaining a new fraction of it creates only an infinitesimally small amount of change. Our minds aren’t automatically equipped to recognize long-term benefit… we look at the short-term gain first.Comfort will always trump truth, comfort matters now… truth matters when you can use it (usually later on).

Over time, I have learned to put stock into long-term benefits because the short-term is over so quickly… I guess I’m thankful that I’m that wise.However, I’ve had to harden my heart to the harshness of truth in order to accept it.There are times when I wonder if I’d be happier had I been given a lie, omission, or euphemism… the answer is yes… but I guess we don’t always live to be happy.

Next time... I'll define less, and discuss more... thanks for reading, I assure you I'm going to make a larger point.

Let's be honest about honesty...

One of the most widely accepted tenders of consideration is honesty. Why?

hon·es·tyn. pl. hon·es·ties

1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.

2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.

3. Archaic Chastity.

4. A plant with flattened silvery pods which are used for indoor decoration

Let's dissect these definitions...

in·teg·ri·ty n.

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness

We enjoy Honesty because it implies that we are being involved in the entirety of situation. Nobody likes to be left out... especially when the situation concerns or affects them. Being considered via honesty allows a person to feel as if they are a part of the whole, and assuming that the honesty is the full truth, that they are involved with wholesome individuals.

sin·cer·i·ty n.

The quality or condition of being sincere; genuineness, honesty, and freedom from duplicity

Honesty implies a freedom from a life of duplicity and thus confusion and deceit. We are comfortable accepting that there should be standards and morals. As a result we are comfortable with expecting that everybody live by them so that life could occur in a linear fashion; it's easy to polarize our opinions about the world and the people in it when we have a true and honest
standard for them. It also makes it easier for us to judge people... tsk, tsk.

chas·ti·ty n.

1. The condition or quality of being pure or chaste.

Honesty is seen as a positive thing... it means that the person being honest is less tainted and thus more acceptable than the next person...
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I'm partial to the last definition: Decoration... people like honesty because it looks pretty.

Think about the premise of honesty. Honesty is the publication or distribution of thoughts, and concepts that are understood to be true. The fact that this honesty is offered is enough to qualify it as acceptable, because consideration is not always given. THIS IS WRONG... how many times have you accepted what was told to you as the truth to find out it was not so close to it? or better yet, only a portion of it?

Fact omission happens accidentally and intentionally... a friend may tell you "I want to go out tonight," but what they mean to say is "I want to go out tonight with Tony" (*snicker*)... Did they lie to you? no... but because they didn't offer the whole truth, were they honest? Not by the first definition at least because the statement lacked integrity. Furthermore, since the two statements are NOT mutually exclusive (meaning they could or couldn't happen simultaneously), they are succeptible to duplicity (illustrating separate ideas simultaneously), thus the idea of this seemingly "honest" statement isn't pure, complete, or free from possible distortion.

It doesn't make the statement a lie, but it does make it less "honest". ONLY full disclosure of the truth can be viewed as true honesty which brings me to the following conclusion... Honesty is NOT always the best policy.

True, unrelenting, and brutal honesty has the ability to empower, encourage, and change peoples' thinking relative to the truths that they have just endured. Conversely, if these truths were not expected and desired they can also destroy, diminish, and distract from the fact that honesty was considered in the first place.

If I were a truly honest man, meaning I omitted nothing, I would be considered much more of an asshole today than I currently am. I'd also be viewed as cynical, pompus, overbearing, insensitive (to others), sensitive (as a person), overcritical, and basically I would be rendered undesirable company to keep. For me, honesty is not the best policy because there is too much negativity attached to the thoughts that would be honestly conveyed.

So if this is the case with others (which it is, because on top of omission, people lie), why is honesty considered to be the best alternative? I think it's because people believe they make better choices in light of knowing the truth and what me occur as a result of their choices. (Ignorance being/acting bliss...) This also means that they are prepared to be accountable for the new knowledge they acquire via honesty, even if it's information that will hurt their feelings, restrict their choices, and possibly diminish their confidence... the truth hurts. Do people really prefer this option?

Personally I can say I don't like being lied to, but I can understand why people do not tell you what they are thinking (why they are not honest). In the history of the world, being honest has been detrimental far more than it has been helpful. This is due in part to the fact that we all make bad decisions that we don't care to rehash in conversation... If we could all be flawless, we wouldn't have problems with telling the truth... but we are not.

The truth is a reminder of our weaknesses, vices, and flaws. It is the evidence of the inadequacies we care not to share because it causes us to look like weaker/less-composed
individuals.

So I guess the real question for us all (author and reader alike) to answer is: Is honesty a trait of a strong individual, or does that depend on what truths are shared?

I say... no and yes. Thus the application of the fourth definiton... Honesty is a trait we falsely adorn in order to decorate our character. It leaves me to ask, how honest can honesty be before it's no longer a good thing?

More next time...